Hello fellow workers,
I am very excited at our chance to annoy the ether
feilds this Sat with our scheduled
session/meeting/opulant chinese-food feast. I wish to
apologize for my silence, but my fishtank became
cracked and I had to press my back against it in order
to prevent the water from leaking. I was quite
un-mobile, and feared I would starve... but luckily I
was within a few feet of the phone. By carefully
plucking my arm hair, I was able to weave a small
brown rope and lasso the receiver of the phone. Upon
dragging the receiver forthwith, I immediately ordered
a pizza, and when it arrived, asked the driver for
assistance.
Happily, aside from some cold water burns on my back,
and hair removal from nibbling from the fish... I'm
AOK... and have made a new friend in Hassakiallahd.
I look forward to this Saturday. It will be the
cheapest therapy I could ever ask for in dealing with
the constant carnal failures in my life.
Longingly,
E61
***Response from Employee #3***
Praise Allah!
E61, I didn't know you were a Ichthyophiliac.
It's said fish reduce the
lifespan of their owners if watched for twenty
minutes a day. Must be all
those neural implants and increased alpha wave
activity they possess. ...or
does it reduce the stress level...?
Had you instead threw a large, heavy object at
the shiny red button I had
installed on your wall (and everyone's walls
for that matter), it would have
triggered the BatAlarm which would have
notified me of your distress.
Although I would've felt like Ryan at his last
job (the gentleman who
answered the "I've fallen and I can't get
up" call to respond with "Help's
on the way, Mrs. Fletcher!"), it wouldn't
have mattered to have saved the
lives of E61 and his little aquation pals.
Don't be shy of usnig the BatAlarm. It's
there for your safety and
protection.
Sorry about your armhair. A
"Sympathy for your loss" card is in the mail as
we speak.
Hail E3,
E3.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Advanced Reality Group
Report #3
Employee #61
Plop!
Like a sack of mashed potatoes dropped from the Empire
State Building, I have overtaken an undertaking to
begin our experiments in sound.
As I have stated, my expertise lies in
"non-traditional" music. I feel that normal music can
be very "restrained" and "stale"... it can sound
"canned" and "pathetic". Indeed, if you are not
"careful" you will likely "hear" music through
mainstream channels that "blows smegma-ridden
uncircumsized moose".
So, the real "question" is... how do we elevate our
"sound"... So, I have undertaken a few experiments the
past few days so that an answer would somehow be
forthcoming... or... perhaps a non-answer would
skuttle out the back and stop bothering me.
1) Sledgehammer
Well, this "instrument" has a lot of percussion
potential. In fact, all it really is is a big
drumstick with ten pounds of steel on the end.
But, what would be the ying to this yang? What could
be beat upon in order to bring maximum effect... here
are the components I used.
a)Public Toilet
Very high, crackling sound, offset by the water. A
truly interesting caucophony. However, it can only be
done once... twice tops. Also, only use clean
toilets... I still have corn in my shoelaces.
b)Stop Sign
Great sound, offset by the fact that you have to swing
the very heavy sledgehammer over your head. No
problem! I got a ladder!
[Subset B of "Sledgehammer"]
1a)Head (into Stop sign)
It was like a bending saw... REEALLLY fast.
2b) Body (onto ground)
Sort of sounded like fish thrown on the chopping
block.
3b) Ladder (on throat)
The inital sound was like a quick wringing of
dishcloth... but the gurgling after was soothing, in
2/4 time.
c) Neighbor's Car
The fenders just called to me... interesting, all were
C sharp... except for the right rear... it was
A-flat... the sledgehammer REALLY was at it's best on
the windows. Explosions of glass! It was tremendous!
d) My Kneecap
(note: Neighbor unexpectedly used sledgehammer)
AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I am currently working on my next report... on the
sounds of heart monitors at the hospital.
On Meds,
Employee #61
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Advanced Reality Group
Report #2
Employee #61
Fellow Co-workers,
This is indeed a percolating time.
I am very pleased with the progress regarding our new
"web site" one can only hope that such primative
technology will someday "catch on" and be "hip"... it
is this dream, like so many dreams, that have noble
aspirations, but miss the point. Someone very wise
once said "Technology will fall quite short of it's
set objectives..." or something like that...
Regardless, I feel like a man who has caressed the face
of his woman for the first time, and saw a light,
brown streak on the spot he caressed... as a result of
the fact he had not wiped properly after an especially
violent bowel movement brought on by a feast of Arby's
and Thai.
I am the only employee not to post a resume.
So, here it is, so that I may fully join my fellow
co-workers in conformity, and truly squash any further
possibility of individual action.
High School : Ware High
College : Gonzaga
Major : Acid Wash Jean Literature
Minor: Gel
Graduated with honors, 1992.
After completing my tenure at Gonzaga, I started
putting my degree to work by making "Acid Jean Art" on
various street corners across the country. This
involved flopping about on a flat of paint, then
rolling along the sidewalk. Pedestrians be damned!
My work was received with a mixture of apathy and
outright anger, and so I retired in 1994, and moved on
to my new career : Beef Packaging.
While slapping along the freshly killed bovine
corpses, I began to appreciate the unique sounds
"steak on the bone" produced. I then began to develop
a slapping fetish, and began randomly slapping my
co-workers. This lead to a meeting with my boss, who
was in the middle of his disciplinary speech, when I
started to slap the beat of "Unskinny Bop" on his
cheek.
I was immedately fired and assaulted.
After getting the prime rib removed from my lower
colon, I began therapy to end the slapping fetish... I
finally was released from the Betty Ford Clinic in
1996. Fully recovered.
By then, my musical instincts had begun to flourish,
and, as the result of an ad in the paper, I joined
the group "Color Me Badd".
They had been going through a major career tailspin
since 1991, and were looking to make a strong comeback.
I was very excited at the prospect at adding "Beef
Percussion" to what was already a very strong R&B
band. They had responded very positively to this idea,
adding that they would often "beat their meat"
together... usually in a circle. Sometimes, they
confessed, they would even beat each others' meat! I
had no idea others shared my unique musical taste.
Home at last!
Well... needless to say... I did not last long in the
group. They were appalled when I dragged a carcass
into the rehearsal space. Shocked at their disapproval,
I asked "Well, what about all this meat beating you've
been talking about!?!?" To which one of them started
playing "Sex You Up" in the cassette player, and, as
they lip synched the song, they began to undress...
I left totally repulsed... I had never actually HEARD
one of their songs before. It was awful. I am still
confused as to why they decided to disrobe... one can
only assume that was part of their act. All the more
reason to leave the group, since I can be quite shy
unless I've sniffed enough modeling glue.
So, seeking musical fulfillment, I wanderd aimlessly
for the next three years, taking odd jobs while
longing to find my niche. I tended Bar, joined the
Marines, was a rodeo clown, did the voice of Ollie on
the ill fated cartoon "Iran-Contra-Z"... all the while
searching the trash for computers, and doing music on
them in my spare time. After a while, I discovered
that if you turned them on, there were programs on
their "hard drive" where you could construct music on
them! What an amazingly versatile percussion instrument!
While on a odd job severing the breakline of the
president of Netscape (by order of Bill Gates)I
noticed an older man assaulting a young blond boy in a
Mercedes. I rushed up to the car, with videocamera in
hand in order to gather evidence for the prosecution.
It was brutal... the screaming, the pounding, the
scratching... I banged on the window and ordered the
older man to stop!
Well, to my surprise, it was Elton John! And the young
man being assaulted was soon to be known as
"Eminem". They seemed to be friends, and I was asked
by them to "forget this happened". I was confused, and
Eminiem said "Listen, we'll make it worth your
while... um... yo."
Elton feverishly wrote out a check... and I was in the
money!! So, in 1999 I bought as much dot.com stock as
I could get my hands on! Buy! Buy! Buy! Woo-hoo! The
cash just wouldn't stop coming! I did it all...
rented limos, had buildings turn on their lights at
night to spell my name, had my sidewalk carpeted...
the whole nine yards...
I wanted to construct the most advanced, most amazing
computer in the history of mankind (jacuzzi, drum kit,
walk in refrigerator, Dunkin Donuts, Scratch ticket
dispenser)... I estimated the cost at around 40
billion dollars... in Januray 2000, I was just 4
billion short! Yeah! Let it ride baby!!! LET IT RIDE!!
Well, the market has showed some slight fluctuations
since then... but I'm no milk-toast! As of today, I'm
a bit down... -7 billion... but I have such blind
faith in the American Capitalist System, that I'm sure
the market will go bull VERY soon...
Well, I needed a job to help pay the rent while I wait
for the turnaround, and I got it at Kelly's Roast beef
in Revere. Little do some the fine Reverites know
that some of their sandwiches have had an Opus beat
on them before serving!
While going through the trash in Boston, looking for
computers, I met Employee #2, who was doing the same
thing! We exchanged stories... he revealed that he
just dotes on the Amiga, and I was like "Well, they
always are a little 'flat' sounding, unless you use a
ladel." He went on to explain about doing music
through Amiga programs... and about the Advanced
Reality Group.
Of course, I will have to end it here, since all the
workings of the ARG are CLASSIFIED... but needless to
say, I am very happy to be part of this organization,
and I look forward to our never-ending adventures in
the distraction of our inevitable death.
As Ever,
Employee #5... shit! #61
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Advanced Reality Group
Report #1
Worker #61
Greetings fellow employees,
Indeed this is a challenging time.
In my workstation, I have been deluged with massive
amounts of misery, apathy, and mental/physical
constipation. This has been highly counterproductive in
regards to furthering ARG's status in the
musical/ethereal world. Not coincidentally, it has led to
unhealthy amounts of introspection, playing N64, and
masturbation.
This, however, I feel, thusly, in fact, is a
transitory state that will only lead to greater
productivity in the near future.
However, it should be noted that I have now changed my
status from Worker #5 to worker #61... for several key
reasons...
1) Every time the phrase "Hi Five!" was mentioned, I
thought someone was talking to me.
2) 5 x 5 = 25
3) I would like to use both hands when non-verbally
expressing my number.
4) Five is after 4... yet, if four was treated as a
person, you could say it stood before 4... yet three
is before 4. I feel this is confusing.
5) The "Five is Alive!" promotional campaign from the
movie "Short Circut" has forever soiled the number.
So, note that I shall now be referred to as Employee #
61... this shall, however, have no bearing on the
quality of work I shall give to the ARG.
So, with that, I hope that we can convene and
continue our highly dichodomic mixture of important
inconcequential audio vibrations.
Brazenly,
Employee #61 (Formerly #5)